-LRB- OPRAH.com -RRB- -- What do Pinocchio , Richard Nixon , and an `` O , The Oprah Magazine '' very inventive columnist all have in common ? Every now and then , when the situation calls for it , they 've been known to bend , sculpt , or otherwise contort the facts to their liking . Hey , if it saves Bambi 's mother ...

The story goes that , as a child , George Washington chopped down the backyard cherry tree and then admitted the whole sordid affair to his beloved father : `` I can not tell a lie , '' he is said to have said . `` It was I who chopped down your cherry tree . ''

This leads me to a couple of thoughts : First , what were the Washingtons thinking ? Color me cautious , but I 've never been a big believer in allowing children direct access to an ax . Ditto hatchets , swords , tomahawks , muskets , and Barbie .

Second , I can not tell a lie ; had I been in that very same situation , there 's no doubt in my mind that I 'd have looked my beloved father straight in the eye and told a lie . And that , my friends , along with the wooden teeth and powdered wig , is what separates me from our first president .

I could tell you I believe it is imperative that we be absolutely meticulous with the truth 100 percent of the time , but the truth is -- I 'd be lying .

You see , I live in New York City , where manhole covers explode and construction cranes crash from the sky and people slip through the space between the subway platform and the train , and you feel almost giddy with relief on those days when you manage to make it home in one piece .

The bottom line is this : Life is short , time is precious , and I do n't want to spend Saturday night watching my friend , the would-be actress , do a walk-on in `` Tartuffe . '' It 's not that I do n't love my friend , and it 's not that I do n't love `` Tartuffe '' -LRB- okay , that 's a lie , nobody actually loves `` Tartuffe '' -RRB- . It 's just that I reserve Saturday night for slathering my reptilelike feet in Vaseline Intensive Care as my daughter shampoos her Polly Pocket doll in the toilet .

But try explaining that to a friend who has just spent $ 200 on a brocade bustle and is flying her parents in from Wisconsin for her off-off-off-Broadway debut . My choices ? Well , I can sit through `` Tartuffe '' with a lovely couple from Racine and a running time of two hours and 46 minutes that I 'll never get back . I can pray that one of my undermoisturized feet will suddenly fossilize so that I can use it to knock myself unconscious . Or I can say , `` Darn the luck , that 's the night I have to ... '' Fill in fiendishly fabricated excuse here .

And , yes , I know , this makes me sound kind of awful , but I ask that you refrain from judging me until you 've endured an evening of musical theater based on the early years of Joseph Goebbels , courtesy of this same friend .

Honesty is a delightful policy , but I 'm here to tell you that without at least a few lies , Thanksgiving with the family would be a thing of the past , first dates would end faster than you can dismiss your biological clock with a jaunty `` Que sera , sera ... , '' every political figure who intentionally linked Iraq with Osama bin Laden would be forced to resign in disgrace , and any number of plastic surgeons throughout the greater Los Angeles area would end their lives in the gutter holding large cardboard signs that read WILL BOTOX FOR FOOD .

Ask any man in a healthy relationship , and he will tell you that when his wife comes home with a horrific haircut , it 's a mistake for him to start feverishly skimming the Yellow Pages for an attorney while muttering , `` I think we 've got a lawsuit here . The bastard who did this to you will never trim bangs in this town again ! '' Oprah.com : How you -LRB- yes , you ! -RRB- should live your life

No , he must greet her with the simple phrase that Johannes -LRB- boyfriend extraordinaire , father of the aforementioned shampoo girl -RRB- uses to chill me out whenever I despair . He will look up from whatever he 's doing , pause , tilt his head , then casually ask : `` Are you losing weight ? ''

Couplehood : A brief one act

Lisa : Plastic is destroying the earth !

Johannes : Are you losing weight ?

L : The creepy guy who hangs out on Lexington Avenue followed me into Dunkin' Donuts to announce that I remind him of a young Kim Jong-il !

J : Are you losing weight ?

L : I 've put on three pounds since breakfast !

J : Are you losing weight ?

What can I say ? He 's lying , I know he 's lying and yet it works for us . I am also a firm believer in lying to chatty cabdrivers -LRB- `` Sir , I have the kind of menstrual cramps that could turn a lesser woman homicidal , so you need to trust me when I tell you that it 's beyond crucial for us to travel in complete silence '' -RRB- , my dental hygienist -LRB- `` Of course I floss . Flossing is my life '' -RRB- , and my 5-year-old -LRB- `` Bambi 's mother is alive and well . She has merely relocated to a breathtaking piece of beachfront property off the coast of Hawaii with her hunky new boyfriend , Raoul , who is both incredibly wealthy and deeply sensitive to her every need '' -RRB- . Oprah.com : What makes a relationship work

To this day , Julia believes that Toys `` R '' Us is only open when my parents visit Manhattan ; the shelves are stocked as Grandma and Grandpa 's plane touches down and the doors to the store lock as soon as they head back to Detroit .

Here is the truth , the whole truth , and nothing but the truth : My name is Lisa , and I am a liar , though a good marketing consultant could probably finesse the word into something a bit more palatable : `` Reality Stylist '' might be good , or `` Pinocchiotologist '' could work . My mother insists that , at the end of the day , what I am is a storyteller -- and she might have a point .

Joan Didion says that `` we tell ourselves stories in order to live . '' I think that 's right . Forget what I tell cabdrivers for sport or dental hygienists for spin control or `` Bambi '' readers for peace of mind . It 's the lies we tell ourselves that determine the particular arc of our stories .

I tell myself that it 's never too late to master Italian and piecrust , that one day I 'll appreciate Clay Aiken and understand calculus . I tell myself that I 'll be able to guarantee my daughter a life of joy and confidence and financial security in a universe that 's just and safe and green . To be honest , I have my doubts .

Perhaps I was born predisposed to pessimism or maybe I 've witnessed too much pain , but my mind is forever taking me to the dark side and I am afraid of the dark . So I sugarcoat and I gloss over , and I rationalize and , yes , I sometimes fictionalize my little story .

I tell rose-colored lies because Wellbutrin only takes a girl so far , because I want with all my heart to believe in something just a bit sweeter than what I see on the 6 o'clock news . And because , to tell you the truth , I 've always been a sucker for a happy ending -- even if it means my pants catch fire .

By Lisa Kogan from `` O , The Oprah Magazine , '' August 2008

Subscribe to O , The Oprah Magazine for up to 75 % off the newsstand price . That 's like getting 18 issues FREE .

Subscribe now !

TM & © 2009 Harpo Productions , Inc. . All Rights Reserved .

@highlight

A few lies can go a long way to smoothing the road of life , columnist says

@highlight

Writer confesses to being a `` Reality Stylist '' or `` Pinocchiotologist ''

@highlight

Husband asks `` Are you losing weight ? '' anytime she needs to calm down

@highlight

Daughter believes Toys `` R '' Us is only open when grandparents come